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I did what I was supposed to do, after all of Haiti fell down.  I examined my skill sets, and, realizing that I was not qualified as a search and rescue expert, and I’m not a medical or health care professional, the only thing I could possibly do was get off of my wallet and send money to a responsible and honest charity.  That’s it.  That’s all I can do.  The only possible contribution I might be able to make is behind the controls of some heavy equipment, as I can run a back hoe or a Bobcat like LeBron can play pop-a-shot over at BW-3,  but it’s not like there’s a NationsRent in Port-Au-Prince!  Any equipment that heads there is going to be accompanied by half a dozen Billy Bob Bigrigs that know what they’re doing anyway.

Well, that’s all just an illustration anyway.  I’m pretty confident I’ll live my whole life, and never, ever fuck a rabid goat…or go to Haiti.  The two ideas are equally appealing.  I’m just saying, if there were something I could do without jeopardizing my family, or if I had a specialized skill set that was in demand, I’d feel obligated to do it.  But, that’s not the case, so I transmit monetary credits to an appropriate agent, and that’s it.  I took a flyer on the Red Cross with my money, even though they’ve probably got a pretty big administrative overhead, and even though I’ve seen them waste money post 9/11, personally, though I would not be prudent in disclosing that colossal fuck-up, which took place because they were flush with money, and fresh outta disaster victims at the time.  I did the research, and sent the money. Beyond that, well, we’ll see what the wind does with those seeds.

Here’s what I could do, though.  I could take heed of the encouragement and admonishments of my Christian friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and those Christians that are just passing by on the interwebs.  I could pray for Haiti.  Pray for the victims, pray for the dead, pray for the people working there to save lives and counsel the bereaved.   Then again, as far as to whom I ought to be praying, and why, I can’t get a straight answer out of any of them.  Well, I can get a straight answer, but not an honest one.  It’s all convoluted, frankly, and I simply can’t reason my way through what they’d suggest.

For example, Pat Robertson says that Haiti had it coming.  They swore a pact with the devil (I’m trying to find the dates on when that meeting might have taken place, and I’m coming up with nothing.  Presumably the editors at most reputable news sites are looking too.  I also am wondering if the Port-Au-Prince Convention Authority might have any records of when that accord might have been reached between all those Haitians and The Dark Lord).  Therefore, there’s nothing that Christians can really do but raise money post-God’s-righteous-and-holy-wrath.  After all, those voodoo-loving, chicken-blood -drinking so-and-so’s had it coming.

I saw an interesting, farcical letter from the Devil to God/Pat Robertson that’s making the rounds.  In it, Satan really jumps on the two Holy Men for associating Haiti’s problems with some sort of deal they made with The Angel Of The Bottomless Pit.  After all, Satan says, when someone makes a deal with him, they get prizes!  Women, money, skyscrapers, mansions, the ability to play the guitar like Clapton; it’s all good in this life, you just have to pay up at the end of it.  No way, says Old Scratch, that he has anything to do with a deal that would subject Haiti to 80% poverty, AIDS, cholera, dictatorships, hurricanes, filth, shantytowns, and then a devastating thrust-fault earthquake!  He might be the Overlord of the Underworld, but he understands a contract, every bit as much as his protoges in the legal profession.

No, if someone’s going to subject the world’s most fucked-over people to a cataclysmic disaster, hundreds of thousands dead, hundreds of thousands dismembered, orphaned, homeless, bereaved, well, there’s only one guy, really, isn’t there?  And, it’s right up His alley, if you are familiar at all with the Old Testament, or Revelations, for that matter, and He’s done far worse.

The only problem is, how do you ask a guy that would do something like that for help in the matter now?  Honestly, I would be worried about irritating Him, and maybe that’s precisely what’s happened, given the 6.1 magnitude aftershock that occurred this morning!  At least you could say that He made the first quake so strong, that there wasn’t anything left to fall down this time around, which would make this morning’s temblor a really, really mean joke.  Then again, this is the guy that planted dinosaur fossils just to fuck with everyone that doesn’t believe that the Earth is 6,000 years old.  He is quite the Cosmic Prankster, I tell ya.  You could, indeed, die laughing.

Perhaps it really was Satan that did it.  Or maybe someone else did it, someone in Celestial Middle Management that screwed up, and caused that thrust fault running right through the island to slip.  If so, then maybe all these prayers are going in the wrong direction; perhaps asking who’s really in charge might be in order, and more productive, eh?

Maybe those prayers ought to be directed towards areas that are vulnerable to geological activity in close proximity to substandard building practices? A pre-emptive prayer flood might keep those nasty subduction zones and seismically active areas on hold?  But what kind of fun would that be for an all-powerful being?  Kinda takes the “Almighty” out of things.

Ah, you know what, pray away.   You’re not hurting anyone, unless there are chores to be done, or if you’re doing it in front of gullible children, or if you are doing it loudly enough to irritate me.  Supernatural intercession is just like St. John’s Wort, really.  If you take it, you can make yourself feel better; really, you can.  I think that’s indisputable.  However, the evidence shows that it’s clinically ineffective.  Per Epicurus.  And donate blood and/or money to Haiti, if you can spare either.

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